Frustration

Ever since I found out I would be living in Liberia for a year, I find myself often engaging in conversations with other people who have spent time in Africa.  Throughout these conversations I have learned a lot about the differences between our experiences and various countries in Africa.  Despite the many differences though, I have noticed a common thread running throughout each person's "Africa-experience" narrative.  Almost everyone I have talked to who has spent significant time in Africa agrees that the experience was simultaneously one of the most rewarding and one of the most frustrating experiences they have ever had.  I agree completely. 

The joys and rewards of living in Liberia are undoubtedly many.  I feel like I blog about these "ups" often, and I hope you agree!  There have been nights when I lay in bed just feeling joyfully content, for no reason in particular.  Some mornings I wake up feeling like something is right in life, and walk to school in awe of the places and people I have come to know over the past 8 months.  These are sweet moments, and thankfully they have not been rare. 

Also not so rare, however, have been moments of enormous frustration; moments when I feel like nothing I do matters for anything, that no one is listening or learning, that things will never change, and that I should just walk away.  This little voice of pessimism is one that I normally do not hear.  Those who know me well know that, despite some whining and occasional self-pity, I'm generally an overwhelmingly positive, optimistic, "the glass is more than half full" kind of person.  To experience moments of frustration as deep as I have in the last 8 months has been a challenge for me in and of itself. 

What brings about such great frustration?  I have a great deal of time trying to answer this question.  Why do I get so mad?  What is it that bothers me so greatly?  I think I have finally come up with an answer; it's facing problems bigger than I've ever faced, and knowing I can not solve them on my own. 

When I'm angry that everyone in 7th grade scored below a 60% on their first decimals quiz, it's easy for me to think that I'm doing something wrong.  Even as one who is not a teacher by trade, I know that a basic rule of teaching states that if more than half of your class is failing, the teacher is not doing a good job.  But how can this be, when 6 of 10 questions come directly from 3 pages in the book or notes repeatedly given in class?  It turns out that my students never study for math.  Although it's partly a result of lack of individual motivation, it's also a result of culture - the students have not typically been expected to go home and read their math text book... they don't normally even have a text book! 

Or time.  Oh man, time.  I know the States has a unique obsession with time not shared by every country, but Liberian time is something else!  For example, I wrote a few entries back about the Miss Ricks Pageant.  The night of the pageant the program was supposed to start by 7:00pm (they even printed 6:45 on the tickets) so it could end by 11pm at the latest (so the students wouldn't be too tired for school the next day).  When I was up at the building at 7:30pm only 1 contestant was present and about 5 spectators.  I found out after the show that it actually started at 9:00pm and ended at 12:45am.  Due to that, and some other organizational issues with the pageant, I was too frustrated by it all to even stay and watch the show.  And it was tempting to blame people - individuals - for the delay.  But the reality is that the Liberian culture is not time-conscious.  Most people do not even have a clock or a watch... the only clock in the whole school is in the front of the building.  So the frustration is not with one person who dropped the ball - it's with a culture that functions differently than I am used to. 

These are just a few small examples - and these not even explained as thoroughly as needed to really elucidate the source of my frustration.  Feeling this much frustration is not always fun - it is often draining and defeating.  Yet I think it's important to talk about this frustration.  If my frustration really does result from being confronted with problems bigger than myself, then it's essential that I talk about these problems.  If the effects and relentless cycle of extreme poverty frustrate me, then great - that's a start.  But frustration is not enough.  Frustration must turn to empowerment, empowerment to action, and action to a solution.  I continue to pray daily for patience to understand and face my frustrations and do what I can about them, but also for strength not to turn away from frustration but to be motivated by it to do something more.